Unless you managed N-O-T-T-O-G-O online this past week (in which case, congrats), you know Chappell Roan, an 11-year-old fan, and a security guard walked into a hotel breakfast — and sparked a days-long internet meltdown. Last Saturday, Italian-Brazilian soccer star Jorginho Frello posted the IG equivalent of War and Peace, claiming the Midwest Princess made his stepdaughter, Ada Law (yes, that Law), cry. According to Frello, his wife, stepdaughter, and Roan were all staying at the same São Paulo hotel for Lollapalooza Brasil when the kid “got excited” after spotting Roan at breakfast. Showing more restraint than literally any middle schooler ever, the girl “walked past the singer’s table, looked to confirm it was her,” then returned to her own. That’s when a security guard came over and “began speaking in an extremely aggressive manner,” accusing his wife of letting her daughter “disrespect” and “harass” other guests. The backlash was swift: Memes about Roan hating children flooded feeds (not a competition, but this is the best) and Rio’s mayor banned her from performing at this future event while he’s in office (if only our politicians acted this fast on…anything).

Roan, who’s never been one to bite her tongue, responded with her own video, saying the man wasn’t part of her “personal security” and that she was totally unaware of the incident. Oh, and she added this important clarification — which, naturally, was also memed. Then, because we hadn’t heard enough sides yet, Frello’s wife posted a six-minute video with her take, and Roan’s team doubled down on the singer’s statement, explaining she has a “zero tolerance” policy for “aggressive behavior towards her or her fans.” All of which led the security guard at the center of the controversy, Pascal Duvier (if his name sounds familiar, this is why), to finally chime in. In an Instagram apology, he took “full responsibility” for the kerfuffle, which he said occurred while he was “at the hotel on behalf of another individual.” The obvious questions: Why would he take it upon himself to berate a child? Particularly if he was working for someone else? Will we ever know the full story? Who knows, but good luck, babe.